21 Jun 2013
How are you? not spoken for a while, just wondered where you’re up to with developing any new programmes etc? Hows the health anxiety one coming on?
My progress is up and down. I’ve had a month off work which isn’t good, but its mostly to do with being terrified about starting on labour ward. So it’s really muddying the waters about whether Im anxious in general or work – Im thinking work.
I’m pretty good at warding off actual panic attacks now, it’s more the constant symptoms that bother me. The main thing is breathlessness and talking. Sometimes I struggle to say a sentence.
The good news is that I’ve met someone new and he’s brilliant which always helps 🙂 He makes me very happy.
Anyway hope you’re well, hope you don’t mind my messaging you, Im sure you’re very busy
yes I AM very busy – so stop bothering me!
just kidding 🙂
Always good to hear from you
ah – a new man – my wife says that anyone who is unhappy should find a life partner – typical Indian logic
but – sounds like its working
dont forget to let him read the wee booklet
I think you are doing ok and I am guessing that you could probably do more structured practice etc etc
you know what I mean..
still no progress with a Health Anxiety programme – I have to many irons in too many fires – its always been a problem of mine
but one of these years I promise..
I think it’s time you took mindfulness seriously – it will make a HUGE difference
try to find an 8 week course
at least start studying it and meditating – it will help u through this last phase
keep in touch
02 Oct 2013
Sorry to email again but I’m just a bit upset with myself and don’t really know who to talk to about it. I had every intention of going to work this morning, but woke up about 4am and struggled to go back to sleep. So I convinced myself to just go in tomorrow instead.
Of course now I’m properly awake, feel like an idiot and really ashamed I keep letting work down like this. I’ve also got to face a phone call with my manager to explain my absence, I was only off 2 weeks ago as well (for 1 day) so she isn’t going to be impressed with me
I just seem to have no sense when I wake up in the morning, I convince myself ‘just one more day won’t hurt’
I hide it from my family and boyfriend so they’ve no idea how much time I’ve had off, I either make holidays up or go out somewhere
Don’t know what I expect you to say, I suppose I just need to be a lot stricter with myself but its hard and I feel so silly!
sorry for the late reply
First things first – the past is gone – never to be here again – so not a lot of point worrying about it
second – if you lost your job or were publicly flogged for being absent from work too much – then that would just be another experience which would eventually pass and you would worry about something new after some time
all of these things we give way too much importance too
yes I know – its your job – its money – its paying bills – its your whole entire life
it’s not ‘DANGEROUS’ – so there is no need for your body and mind to go into fight or flight
you are not under attack – you are not dying (honestly)
so – actually nothing ‘traumatic’ is happening
except you thinking that this situation is traumatic – it’s not
I understand – I do this too – but it always passes – doesnt it – you were worried about ten thousand other ‘very very very serious situations’ in the last year
where are they now – were they REALLY so serious – or is todays or yesterdays the most serious – because they are new
these will become old too
and so it goes round and round and round
until we practice CATCHING the reaction
not just ‘slightly’ – telling oursleves ‘maybe’ its not so bad blah blah
I mean REALLY DEEP DOWN catching
‘nothing serious is happening’
even if the world came to an end right now – then thats just what would happen
why am i spending my entire life worrying over what is happening or what im doing wrong all the time
just BE with it all AS IT IS – even if that means you couldn’t go to work and people will think badly of you and you will hate yourself
This too shall pass
Thanks for your reply a couple of weeks ago – you’re very right, it’s not life or death… but yeah it does feel like it!
I just wanted to rant a bit because I know you understand…. Im still struggling with attending work, to be honest I think it’s because mentally Im throwing in the towel and am overall unhappy with my job – I want a different one etc – so Im not really putting in the effort if Im honest
Im kicking myself though because Ive been off the past 2 weeks, and I got a letter from my line manager today to say that because I havent provided them with a medical cert etc it might be taken under disciplinary procedures
Ive just been waking up each day and thinking ahh feck it I’ll deal with it tomorrow
Now im in this mess
Hopefully theyll let me go back and change my placement area to community (which i enjoy) then that buys me more time to look for a new job
Sorry I’m just rambling really. Im basically saying, I’ve got myself into a bit of deep water. Ultimately it’s all about money!
Im annoyed with myself for not being ‘normal’ and having the courage to ring my line manager etc to keep them updated on my absence or w/e 🙁 But it’s just like the threat holds no weight to me until it actually happens (ie this letter I’ve received)
I sent her an email back because I was too nervous to ring, stating i have the medical cert etc
But if she doesnt respond by tomorrow I’ll have to ring as Ive been given a set time frame to respond
(at this point there are some missing emails until 1 year later when I noticed on Facebook that Nicole had given birth to a beautiful baby girl)
I’ve been following some of your goings on on facebook
is this the same girl who had all that anxiety I wondered 🙂
I’ll have to use you as the new poster girl for CBT4PANIC
“From Panic to Pregnancy”
but seriously – I take it you have pretty much recovered ?
The photo of you with the baby is really beautiful
It is indeed me haha, thank you very much!!! We have called the baby Heidi Mae and she’s an absolute delight 🙂 best thing ever! She was a ‘surprise’ but a very happy one.
I can’t believe I’ve accomplished pregnancy and birth in one piece haha. I ended up with an emergency csection too and lost 2.5 litres of blood from a tear – but I’ve felt more fear on a roller coaster!!! The staff were great.
The only time I lost it was in recovery as I’d had diamorphine so high as a kite, I was hissing at everyone “I’m not breathing, check the monitor it’s lying” haha!!!! however I got through it and think it’s hilarious to look back on
I am doing much better, I would say that it doesn’t control my life – it can make some days horrible but tbh I think that’s the same as everyone else, we all have bad days!!! It’s incredibly rare for me to have a genuine panic attack, infact I can’t remember when I last did.
It’s just my breathing that can still bother me but again it’s not something that really stops me living my life
It’s nice to hear from you anyway! What are you up to nowadays?
Nice to hear back
I like her name – that was the name of aTV show when I was a kid – ‘Heidi’
before your time
glad you can laugh at your HA outburst lol
I know you will get past the breathing thing eventually
probably just there to keep you humble
anyway – if you want any more help you know where I am
I’m heading to India again Nov 10th for 4 months
never a dull moment
hope u aren’t having too many sleepless baby nights 🙂
I will follow her growth on FB
Really sorry I havent got back to you sooner, Ive been quite busy lately! Lovely to hear from you. Yeah Heidi is growing fast, shes a brilliant baby, cant believe she will be 1 in September!
Im sure youd be proud of my progress… Im taxing myself again doing 3 x 12 hour shifts a week at Liverpool Womens neonatal unit… emergencies galore lol which you may remember terrified me as a new/student midwife. Tbh they still scare me and I still battle with my breathing but the difference is I stay in the situation. Im sure it will get better the more I learn. Ive already noticed that exposure to certain situations mean i feel that bit more confident for the next time.
I think i need to learn to eat properly – when i’m stressed i find it hard to swallow so i avoid, but then low blood sugar starts affecting my breathing. No good on a 12 hour shifts ! and u can imagine the “i’m trapped here for another x amount of hours and responsible for a tiny sick baby” the pressure that creates lol
But Im determined to get there.
After sending me all the emails with our dialogues